I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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