I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
