Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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