Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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