you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
