i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
