i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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