I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
