Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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