i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize