Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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