The maid of honor just puked.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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