Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
