hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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