either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
