I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
