Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
This can only be settled by a dance off.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
