Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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