Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
