The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
