Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
