I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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