I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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