In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
