Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
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