Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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