I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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