My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I will be naked everywhere
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize