He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Randomize
