who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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