Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
