dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
You left your phone here
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