I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize