Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
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