Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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