how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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