She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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