I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
