It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize