he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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