Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
