she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
