So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize