I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Randomize
