this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Randomize
