I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
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