Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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