I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
