none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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