Please, let me fuck your mom
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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