he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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