Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
