Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
