My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
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