I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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